Zero No Tsukaima the Role Playing Game
by Renegade of Sanity
Summary: A bunch of dorks gather around a dark basement to play the latest edition of ZNT the Interactive and narrative RPG game. Zero Tsukaima, but re-imagined as a tabletop RPG.
1. Part 1

"You utter fool! Did you really think that a mere commoner could beat a mage? Especially one as skilled as I, Guiche de Gramont. Though since you managed to last this long, I'll give you a little present. Here, catch!"

A Bronze sword formed out of Guiche's magic fell unto the stone courtyard with a clank. Seeing the blade mere feet from him, Saito rushed towards it. Upon gripping its handle, he felt a surge of power coursing through and with incredible speed, power and precision, sliced all of Guiche's bronze Valkyries. Even his Steel Valkyrie was no match for the Gandalfr's power. Guiche's will-

"Hold up, Hold up. Gandalfr? What kind of class is that? I didn't see a class like that in the rulebook."

Louise opened the rulebook up to page seventeen and pointed to the bottom of the page. "See, it says so right here. The Gandalfr: the left hand of god and master of all weapons."

"Give me that!" Guiche yanked the book from Louise's hands. "Possesses the stats of a level 1 commoner with no skills, but instantly gains max speed, agility, stamina, power and precision when wielding a weapon along with gaining complete mastery of said weapon. Oh that's bullshit! How come I can't be the Gandalfr?"

Tabitha lifted a single finger. "Only one. Already picked Earth Mage Noble. Can't change class."

"Yeah, but I'm only a dot level at Earth Magic. How come everyone else has to be a higher level at magic than me?"

"It isn't our fault that you decided to put pretty much all of your points on romance and taunting," Kirche retorted.

"Look, can we hurry this up please? I'm suppose to be home for dinner soon," Saito casually spoke, munching on a bag of potato chips.

"Alright then," Kirche said before her attention over to the Blonde. "Guiche. All of your Valkyries are now defeated and you have zero willpower left. You can't cast anymore spells. Do you wish to surrender or keep on fighting?"

"Surrender, I guess."

"And you Saito? Do you want to spare or kill Guiche?"

"Um...Kill?"

"Okay. Saito ignored Guiche's pleads of mercy and bought down the bronze sword unto his skull, instantly-"

"STOP! You can't just kill off my character! We just started!"

"Fine. Then I guess I'll spare then."

"Saito accepted Guiche's pleads of Mercy and tells him to be a better person, before leaving. Guiche gains plus one intelligence and Saito gains plus one Respect."

"So are we done now for the day?" Saito asked. "It feels like we've been playing this game for the past three hours."

"Yeah, I guess we're done for the day," Louise replied. "I better get working on this Chemistry assignment for Mister Katia then. That guy is such a jerk teacher. So I'll see you guys next Saturday then?" They all replied or nodded in agreement. "Great! Well goodbye then."

"Goodbye," the four replied as they headed upstairs and left their friend's house.

"I knew I should of taken a closer look at the rulebook," Guiche muttered to himself

 **ZNT reimagined as a tabletop RPG being played in Louise's basement with Saito being the noob that has never played a Tabletop RPG before.**


	2. Part 2

Grabbing hold of the Staff of Destruction, the runes on Saito's left hand began to glow as he aimed the weapon at Fouqet's massive golem. For you see the Staff of Destruction wasn't actually a magical artifact, but a Rocket Launcher, an M72 LAW to be more precise.

"There isn't any rocket launchers in Halkeginia!" Guiche blurted out. "This is supposed to be a medieval fantasy RPG, not Call of Duty."

"Well maybe a magic portal bought it through or some shit," Saito replied.

"Just like your shitty self insert Character then."

Saito gave a shrug. "Yeah, I guess so."

Gritting his teeth in frustration, Guiche turned his attention over to Kirche. "Can you please tell your boyfriend to play the game properly instead of trying to constantly wank his character."

"Hey, you were fine with my character being from Earth," Saito said.

"Yeah, but that was before I knew it involve bringing fucking RPGs to our RPG."

"Look Guiche, Saito says he'll only play so long as guns are involved," Kirche informed."

"But there's already guns in Halkeginia though."

"Yeah, but there's only muskets and flintlocks though. My character needs guns that aren't total shit. Besides, it's fucking magic. It can do whatever."

Guiche let out a groan.

"Look, can we just hurry this up please," said Louise. "We've already wasted enough time bickering about the rules."

"Alright, alright," Kirche replied. "Saito fired a rocket at the gigantic golem, instantly blowing it up into stone chunks and throwing Fouqet into the air. She-"

"A Rocket Launcher can't just one shot a triangle class stone golem like that!"

"Guiche, have you seen a LAW in action? Those babies can take out a tank in one hit. I'm sure they can manage a Golem."

"But that's ridiculous though. Next thing we know, you're gonna bring in a fighter jet, AKs and a Tank. There ain't no fucking tanks in Narnia."

"Halkeginia," Tabitha retorted.

"Whatever! He knows what I mean!"

"Look, if we make so that the rocket launcher only has one shot, will that make you happy," Louise said.

"Yeah, I guess so," Guiche. "I still think there should be more limits on his character. He just started a few days for Christ's sake."

"Quit your whining Guiche. I told you the second year campaign was gonna be more combat oriented," Kirche replied. "Now then. Foquet fell unto the dirt. However, the Earth Mage quickly fired a bolt of Stone at Saito, knocking the Staff of Destruction out of his hands. Using Earth Magic, Fouqet pulled the weapon towards her and into her hands, aiming it at the five teens. "You idiots! You fell right for my trap! I didn't know how to use the staff of destruction myself, but you dumb shits showed me how! Now die!" However, there was only the sound of the click upon pulling the trigger. Confused, she didn't see Saito's fist heading straight for her face. Instantly, she was knocked out cold. Saito, Tabitha, Kirche, Guiche and Louise all gained plus two intelligence and four-hundred XP. Saito gained an additional one-fifty XP and plus five respect."

"Kirche, please stop wanking your boyfriend." Saito let out a chuckle at Guiche's remark. "Oh shut up, she knows what I meant. Besides, do you even want to be here?"

"I'm just here for the food and because Kirche asked me to come. By the way Louise, these Quiche taste absolutely delicious."

"Why thank you. Cattleya made them for lunch yesterday."

"I know there's bacon and sausage in here, but what kind of cheese is this?"

"Havardi."

"Huh, I never would of thought to-"

"Continue?" Tabitha said.

"Right, Right," Louise replied. "Kirche, what's the next plot point?"

"Well there's the-"

"Uh, hello?" The five tilted their attention unto the chestnut haired girl standing at the top of the stairs. "I didn't knew you already had friends over Louise. I'm Henrietta, by the way."

"Sup," Tabitha greeted.


	3. part -567

**ZNT the RPG part -567  
**  
"Louise, do you want any- are you four playing ZNT?"

"Uh yeah. How did you know, mom?"

"I used to play it a lot back during high school and college. I still remember when the first edition came out. Good times. Plus it says so on the box"

"Huh, you never struck me as a someone who enjoys these kind of games," Guiche replied.

"Games that involve a heavy use of tactics and strategy, I always enjoy. Plus I do have hobbies, mr. gramont. So what edition is this by the way?"

"Twelveth," replied Tabitha.

"Alright, I'm joining in."

After explaining the rules to Karin and waiting an hour for her to build her character, which consisted of her dumping all her points into wind mage with a few going into nobility. They began roleplaying in Karin's character's back story which consisted of her curbstomping every threat ever along with Guiche, Tabitha and Kirche discovering Louise's mom's love for 80's action flicks.

"They just couldn't handle it, they were blown away," Karin said in an incredibly serious tone.

"Mom, please don't."

"Gust they should of tried harder."

"Mom, I'm being serious.

"They got rocked like a hurricane."

"Mom..."

"So they better ride like the wind."

Louise screamed into a pillow.

"They all got spun right round, right round."

"Why must you torture me like that."

"Because it's a breeze."

"I like your mom, Louise," Kirche said with a grin. "I think we should let her join in more often."

"Why me?... What did I do to deserve this?"

"Cause you're sitting in the eye and I'm the hurricane. The hurricane of good parenting that is."


	4. part 3

**ZNT the RPG part 3  
**  
"So what game are you playing?" Henrietta asked as she sat down amongst the five.

""Zero No Tsukaima". "Familiar of Zero" in English." Saito informed.

"Sounds interesting. So is it a board game like Monopoly?"

"Uh...not exactly," Louise said. "The rules are a lot more complex and in depth."

"I'm sure I can figure them out after a quick explanation."

Two hours later.

"And that's how you play."

"That's a lot of rules for just a game and some of them seem kind of unnecessary."

"Most of them are. We often just ignore them for the sake of smoothness," Guiche replied. "Although some of us take it a bit too far."

"Well I'm certain I won't break any rules. Now for my character, I want her to be the princess of Tristian."

"What? You just can't have your character be royalty!"

"Guiche, just calm down," said Kirche. "Alright, we'll allow it, but since your character is a princess, we're only giving you six points to start off with instead of twelve. So choose carefully."

"Just put them all in water mage."

"You sure?"

"Of course I'm sure."

Kirche gave a shrug as she checked off Henrietta's character sheet. "Alright, your character is now a triangle class Water mage Princess of Tristian."

"Neat, so uh...what next?"

"We'll first you need to introduce your character to the Roleplay," Louise replied. "By the way, we're going for more combat oriented plots this time."

"Oh, maybe I could send you guys unto a secret mission to Albion in order to get a letter back before the rebels get it and use it for political leverage or something."

"Wait, Albion was at peace last time I checked."

"Guiche, stop being so picky all the time. Maybe a bunch of asshole Nobles lead by an even bigger asshole by the name of...Cromwell, decided to start a rebellion cause of taxes or because their Prince eats puppies or something," Saito said.

"No! Don't have the Prince eat puppies!"

"Alright, the King eats puppies instead."

"Sounds good to me. But why exactly are they delivering this letter for?" Kirche asked.

"Well you see, it's actually a secret love letter to Prince Wales Tudor of Albion."

Louise gagged.

"You okay?"

"Yeah, I'm fine Tabitha. I just threw up in my mouth a bit."

"And they must get it back because the Princess is supposed to get mar-."

" _Cough Cough._ That's-her-cousin's-name. _Cough Cough."  
_  
"WHAT?!" everyone screamed out in unison. Henrietta gave Louise a glare.

"I'm gonna be sick."

"I thought this was supposed to be PG-13."

"Wait..." Saito turned his attention over to his girlfriend. "I thought this rated NC-17. So does that mean those erotic stories of my character having sex with the other characters non-canon then?"

"Shhh!"

"And why are you the only one left out? Even Guiche's character is included in on it. I'm kind of getting mixed signals from that."

"Wait, what?"

"Even my mother's?!" Louise shouted out.

He nodded. "Yup."

"Saito! Shut the fuck up!"

And so the entire group started screaming and arguing.

Henrietta gave a sigh. _Tabitha seems pretty calm, I wonder what she's thinking about?"_

 _God, shit, fucking damn it. I should of just watched Netflix and shit, but fuck no. I had to be a dumbass and come here to listen to my fucktard friends talk and moan about their weird ass fetishes. I want to punch them all in the face so badly...  
_  
"Hey, Tabitha are you okay?"

"Yeah, I'm good," she shrugged.

"I think you can just leave my character out of Albion. I'm just gonna head upstairs," Henrietta whispered as she escaped the massive bickering and took a seat at the dinner table. She sighed.

 _Louise, how in the world did you manage to make such...colorful friends?_


End file.
